Suicide is not a solution...

     Lately, I have been struggling with negative thoughts and today the thoughts were even worse. I do not know if I would call it depression, but I can confidently say that my mindset was not where I want or need it to be.

     However, in times when others state they are suicidal or display symptoms of potentially committing suicide, people will state that "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". For a long time I would have out of a shadow of a doubt agreed with that statement. On the other hand, a few years later and I do not agree with this quote. First of all, you are informing someone that suicide is a permanent solution. I do agree that suicide is permanent, but why are we telling someone who is suicidal that suicide is even a solution in the first place? Suicide should never be a solution to a temporary circumstance. Ever. I had someone tell me "After all you are human and humans make mistakes, but do not let [suicide] be the last mistake you make". This quote...this statement...put reality back into perspective. And no matter how hard or difficult life can get, no matter how worthless you feel, no matter how crappy your life is, suicide will be the last mistake you make. You may argue with me and tell me that you do not believe suicide would be a mistake, because your life is beyond what you can handle. Or the world would simply be a better place without you. Now a mistake is defined as an action or judgement that was misguided. When someone is misguided into believing their life is so bad that they turn to suicide as a solution, that is a mistake. Because in reality, the person is just misled into believing that suicide is the only way out of their hell on earth. So maybe we need to change that quote that everyone states to say "suicide is a permanent mistake to a temporary problem".

Grateful.

I walk among you. 
I am that girl who appears to have it all together, yet in reality my life is a complete mess.
I am that girl who rather be by herself than in a crowd of people.
I am that girl that cares about what other people are going through and neglects my own state of being.
I am that girl that keeps her emotions bottled up inside and only let a select few in.
I am that girl that knows what I want, but I am scared to voice my opinion.
I am that girl that cares too much about how other people perceive her than to speak my mind.
I am that girl that has been rejected so many times by other people. 
I am that girl who has had to learn to trust.
I am that girl who only wants to be loved and accepted.
And some days I am that girl that just cares way too much about the world`s opinion rather than God`s opinion of me ...
Even though I am broken and still learning my place in this big world, I am grateful for it all. 
I am grateful for the good. 
I am grateful for the bad.
I am grateful for the joy and the pain I wish I never had.
I am grateful for the people I have come across and the people God will lead me to.
I am grateful for the opportunities God has placed in front of me.
I am grateful for all the memories.
I am grateful I am given a second chance in life.
I am grateful for all the blessings in disguise.


"We can let the disappointments [of life] eat us up, tear us apart, consume us, let it define our relationships OR just LET IT GO...Do not let your past be any kind of emotional crutch that defines you. Your past is part of you but it is not who you are in Christ! Let a piece of the pain go each day and I guarantee that before you realize it, it will no longer be what controls your emotions and relationships. You have to give GOD ALL of you. If you are keeping any part from Him He will continue to bring it to the surface until it is dealt with once and for all! Ask God to take this painful area of your life and use if for His kingdom. If you truly believe that God is in control then you must also believe that you are exactly where you need to be, with the people you need to be with, for His plan for your life to unfold." -anonymous

Broken Reality

What happened to integrity and land of the free?

Instead of chasing after this so called “American Dream”

The more one ponders what this statement could really mean

One can only conclude that our consequences are unforeseen

Because now we are taught that money and fame is the way to go

But in fact, that is not so

And in our country it is all about whom you know

To get you to where you want to go

We Americans also might have everything we could need

But we keep begging for more out of greed

Then people seem never to be content so they begin to complain

But in reality it is only out of vain

Then there are men and women fighting across the seas

While families are living off the government`s schemes

What happened to working hard and earning a college degree?

Instead of getting a scholarship because you are a minority

And have you heard about No Child Left Behind

With that we might as well forget why education was even designed

Should I go on, must I say more?

Is this the American Dream you have been searching for?

Death, is it as real as it seems?

     Lately my mind has been consumed by death. I know death is an irrational fear, because it is reality. I know everyone will have to face it in the future. But at the same time, I have learned that time is SO precious, especially the older I get, and how I need to take advantage of every opportunity given to me. You see time is this priceless thing that is given to us the moment we are born. We are never given any more time on this earth or any less. In the same way, we can never earn more of it and the truth of it is that once it is gone, it is gone forever. Every breath we breathe we are one step closer to death. You would think that be an incentive in itself to live our lives to glorify God. But the real question is, does it? Most people, not only Christians, go around living day by day believing that there will be more time. More time to make that phone call, more time to apologize, more time to tell that person how much they mean to you, more time to make a difference…but I hate to say it, when we think like that, that is usually when we find out the hard way and realize that our days are limited. 

     The other day I kept telling myself that I was going to check up on someone through a text. Next thing I knew I had received a text from someone else stating to check my email. Instantly, the lady who I was meaning to text popped into my head and without even having to look at the email yet I had this gut feeling it was about her and her family. When I read the email it was like I could feel the pain when I read each line. Her mom had been in very bad condition and now I was being informed that this lady`s mother did not have long to live. She told me once before that if a name just pops in you head and you do not know why, pray for that person because it is most likely the Holy Spirit telling you to do this. After receiving that email, I distinctively remember a day or two before this lady and her mom had been on my mind, so I eventually just stopped and prayed for them.Even though I never did text her when I meant to, after getting the email I felt terrible, because I had not done what I should of done in the first place by just checking up on her and her family. This event just reminded me to take advantage of the time you have now and the people you are surrounded with in life. Because you never know, the last time you talked to them might be the last time you will be able to talk to them on this earth.

     If you have something to say, say it. If you have something you want to do, act on it. The last thing you want to do is look back on your life and regret what you did not do or say for Christ. Let`s stop thinking that there will be more time on this earth, and start living like today is going to be our last, because never know, it might be. 

My verdict is...

     I can see it now, standing in line waiting your turn. In awe with everything and everyone around you. When all of the sudden you hear a voice say, “Next.” You had just died today and are standing before God “Why should I let you into Heaven?” He asked. What would your response be?

     Some people would say, “It is by my good deeds I should be let into the Kingdom.” In the Bible it clearly states in Isaiah, “All our righteousnesses are as filthy rags...” Others might says, “Well, I was a good person or at least good enough to get into heaven” but that’s not how it works. Our “good enough” is not God’s standard of good enough, so in other words, we will never be able to truly measure up to Him. God does not judge us on how we, as humans, compare ourselves to other people, but rather He judges our sins. Another common reason may be, “I’m doing my best with the situation You have handed to me, so I believe You will let me into the Kingdom.” Just wondering, if you tried harder would that still erase your sins? Others may say. “I prayed to You that one time, don’t you remember?” Or God, “What about that one time I actually went to church and paid attention?” Many excuses, but God is only searching for one correct answer. “For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it.” Matthew 7:14

      My response to this simple, but yet complicated question would be, “God, on Earth you did bring me a long way. You knew I was going to be rejected from the start, but you also knew the flip side of this and that I was going to be adopted. What do you expect? You are Omnipresent! You knew about the trials and tribulations I would have to conquer, before I could even begin imagining them. You put certain people in my life to show me how to love, and others that showed me what it means to be loved. I know my mistakes were many, but I tried my best to cope with what you gave me. I had many regrets and sins, yet through it all you were able to bring me hope, joy, and happiness. Most importantly, you made a way for eternal life for me.

     You are the ultimate Judge and you know what I have been through in the past. In the good and bad, I have asked for your guidance and wisdom. When I was selfish or prideful you taught me how to be humble. When I was short tempered you showed me patience. When I was jealous you gave me a sense of contentment. And when nothing went the way I wanted it to go, you showed me there was more to focus on in life than that one thing. God, you, have taught me to love the unlovable, and forgive the unforgivable. I have also learned your timing is the only timing that matters. You are the only one in control. My prayers may go unanswered, but I know you have a reason for it. I have been through struggles, but you have always been on the other side of it. I have learned you are the Alpha and Omega, beginning and end. You have been the best friend I never had and that I could always turn to. You kept me going day after day, because I knew I was eventually going to see you. God, you, made my life worth living.

      You may ask why I think you should let me into heaven and I simply have to say I have a love for you that I can’t describe, it’s beyond words. I thirst to know you better and a want and have a desire to learn more about you. In your Word, it says that you do not make mistakes and you do not break promises. You said there is a way out of the eternal death, pain, misery, and suffering, but it was only by confessing with out mouth Jesus is Lord and believing in out hearts that you raised Him from the dead, then we will be saved. You also said whoever believes in Him will have eternal life, and I believe in your Son. I trust that you will keep your word, even though I am a sinner that has only been saved by the grace and mercy that you gave me. I know do not deserve to be in Heaven with you, but you have made it possible so I could live with you forever. Do you except me?”

The Love of Christ

I can say with full confidence that I have never truly experienced the love of Christ until now. I thought I knew what his presence felt like, but I did not. I thought the people who I hung around were the best examples of Christ for me, but in reality they weren't. Frankly, they were not what I needed. I looked for the acceptance of others, hoping to find my place in this world. All I wanted to do was to please people so they would like me, the only problem was I tried to make my relationships by myself. I found myself getting hurt by the people I thought loved me over and over again. That way of life only satisfied me for a short amount of time before I realized my soul longed for more. I needed something that only God could provide for me, and that was love. Instead of searching for this love and acceptance by myself, I finally decided to turn to God for help because my relationships at that point were empty and falling apart. I prayed that God would place ONE person in my life that would accept me, for just me. Someone that would love me and would not judge my past or my future. Waiting, I believe, was the hardest part about that time. I have always envied other people's relationships, and I did even more at this point in my life.

Well, guess what?! We, as Christians, always underestimate God's power, and so did I. Instead of just one person, He has placed several people in my life that mean a lot to me. They have ALL shown me what the love of Christ is supposed to look like and it is amazing! To finally say you have people who love you and you trust is still beyond me. 

One lady that God has placed in my life will forever have a special place in my heart. Her smile and hugs are sometimes the only thing that gets me through the week. She is precious and so dear to me, and I love her more than she will ever know. God, I believe, was saving the best for last and I am so grateful for her. She is like another mother to me. I know for a while I felt hopeless and that no one cared. I felt lonely, but God was preparing this women in particular just for me. At that time, I did not know that there that I deserved better than I what I had and that there could be other people that would mean so much more to me than what I had. Sometimes we have to let go so God can reveal something even better. 

"I waited patiently for The Lord, he turned to me an heard my cry." Psalm 40:1

How did I treat others?

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

I believe this quote contains a lot of truth and power within it. I can honestly say that many people have hurt me and the only thing I remember about them is the way I felt when I was around them. I don’t necessary remember why they made me feel that way it just happened, and even to this day that is the only thing that replays in my head about them. The words that cut me down, the words that brought pain. All the nights I cried, because I was informed that I was worthless and God did not have a plan for my life, those are the people I remember the most.

On the other hand, there have been a handful of people that have done the complete opposite. They showed my love, joy, and happiness. Feelings that I never wanted to let go of, but reality is life is not always going to be that way. Those people that showed me love, joy, and happiness have been taken away from me. They served there purpose in my life and then moved on. God took them away when I believed I needed the most, but I believe God did that to show me that I do not need man to survive. In some of my worst moments I had nobody, but it showed me that I only need Him. Truth is I don’t need anyone. Actually, I deserve nobody, yet God has blessed me beyond what I could ever imagined. He has placed people in my life that showed me pain, but also has shown me grace. The people that have impacted my life in a positive or negative way all have stepped into my life, then left. I have learned in the process that I cannot depend on man, because everyone will fall short, but my God wont.

There are a few people that come to mind when I first saw this quote, but in the scheme of things it won’t matter how I was treated by others, but rather how I treated others. What will really matters is what I did to impact someone’s life for Christ. I can either take that criticism from someone and hate them for it, or I can take it to change me for the better. Change myself to be more like Christ.

As Christians, we should, be asking Him for love, wisdom, grace, knowledge and understanding. Instead of reacting on our feelings and emotions, we should be reacting on what God says is true. Feelings and emotions are temporary, but God is NOT!