Last night I was painstakingly reminded of my past. All the pain
and memories that I have tried to cover up over the years came back.
I have told myself that I do NOT ever want to return to that state of
being again. My life was filled with resentment, hatred, emptiness,
loneliness, and confusion. I was to the point where my feelings and
emotions dictated everything I said and did. I remember feeling as
though I could not escape it. It was like my whole body was engulfed
by this perpetual pain. The emptiness inside of me kept creeping
back and the misery I experienced was pure agony. All I wanted was
for all the awful feelings to disappear, but the more I wanted to let
go of it all, it only just seemed to get worse. There were some days
I felt as though my existence did not matter anymore and God truly
did not care. There were nights I would cry myself to sleep and
wonder what God’s plan was through the situation. I convinced
myself that I had no one to turn to, and I felt as though no one
could understand what I was going through. Most days I just tried to
ignore the pain, and kept a facade up so no one would know. Church at
that time did not mean anything to me anymore either. I was at my all
time low. I had this void within me that could not be filled and this
numbness that could not be shaken. I even got to the point where I
could not express my feelings. I was in desperate need of help,
because I felt as though there was no point in living life anymore.
That I believe was my breaking point, I just wanted to move on with
life, but I felt that I couldn't. I felt stuck in the middle of this
obstacle. So I had only one option, God. He was not my first choice,
but I believe desperation is what brought me back to Him.
I feel as though many people are reminded of their past and they
just don’t want to have to face it. I know for me last night, the
actuality of the whole situation hit me in the face, because I
realized that WAS my reality at one point. Was I proud of it? No. But
last night I was also reminded that our pain in Jesus Christ has a
purpose. He can turn the worse situation into the best. Ultimately,
he knows the grand scheme of things and meaning behind what he has
put you through.
I believe in our culture we are taught at a very young age to
cover things up and to lie about what is truly going on in our lives.
The devil has told us nobody cares or wants to help, and that is one
of the biggest lies he has convinced us of. I know, personally, it took
me almost three years before I had the courage to tell someone what
was going on in my life. And let me tell you, it lifted a burden off
of me once I did, because I finally knew someone could help me. That godly
women, I believe, is the reason why I am alive today. If God had not
placed her in my life, I might not be here typing. She was such an
encourager for me and still is. So do not let anyone tell you that no
one cares or your life is not worth living. The pain is only
temporary, so just live one day at a time. Eventually, life will get
better, I promise. I know God rather wants us to share our
testimonies then ignore them, because what you may be going through
might encourage someone else to keep living.
“My heart goes out to everyone who feels depressed, unworthy,
ugly, not good enough, and emotions beyond explanation. We all have
been there. Take one day at a time to realize you are here for a
purpose and even though it might not be clear yet, don’t give up
because life is one hell of a journey...good and bad. Your day will
come. YOU are priceless, strong, and beautiful in every way, don’t
give up just yet.” -Unknown
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